Quick & Painless
by Colormyworld
Summary: Collection. Akakuba KaitoxAoko. Akako is an insanely beautiful and terrifying witch, not to mention Hakuba's fiancee. So when Hakuba is forced to meet her parents, he doesn't know what to expect. Are they kind and normal or as crazy as their daughter?


Warnings: Cracky, OOCness, OCs, AU!ish, lack of spellcheck, demonic references...the usual Akako stuff.  
Pairings: AkakoxHakuba with hints of KaitoxAoko  
Notes: Includes references to other Colormyworld fics (Awry, Malediction, Foolish, etc.) I intend to make this a three-parter with two other possible scenarios for Akako's parents...sorry about Hakuba being so OOC, I hope you enjoy it anyway! The other parts may take a while to come, but each is its own oneshot ;D...

Quick & Painless

This was the most horrifying thing in the world.

Worse than losing to Kid, worse than being swept through dimensions, and definitely worse than being turned into a fox, goat, frog, turtle, dove, turtledove, aardvark, cow, dog, cat, or bird. Things Saguru Hakuba had personal experience with.

After all, his fiancee was a witch. A powerful, Lucifer-worshipping witch with a tendency to turn him into animals. Despite that, he loved her for her strong sense of self, her beauty and her intelligence.

After he proposed, he had ensured her that he wanted to meet her parents. Thus, the most horrifying thing in the world.

As he and the redhead walked towards the bright white house, he felt his heart drop into his stomach. What horrors would he face inside?

Akako's parents had to be as insane as she was. Probably tall redheads with evil stares, maniac laughs (Akako had to learn it from someone), and a hatred for British detectives.

Hopefully his death at his fiancee's parents' hands would be quick and painless.

"Maybe I should just meet them at the wedding--" Hakuba began, determined to escape.

"Saguru Hak--Saguru," Akako corrected herself. "If you do not come to meet my parents, I will have to break our engagement, turn you into a radish, and display you in a frame for eternity."

He stared at her, wondering if she was being serious. Upon realizing she was, he considered his options.

Meet possibly murderous parents or become a radish.

"So, I'm really looking forward to meeting your parents..."

X

She knocked on the cheerful door, painted with pink roses, and he wondered if she had the right house.

The door creaked open and a tall, black-haired man dressed in total black glared down at them. "Yes?"

Saguru was praying to whatever diety was listening that this was not Akako's father.

"I wish to introduce my fiance, so move aside." Akako ordered, crossing her arms.

Saguru sighed in relief, realizing that this couldn't be Akako's father.

"Yes, Miss Koizumi." The man bowed, letting her in. She dragged Saguru in with her and looked around.

"Your butler?" He asked, standing up straight as he regained confidence.

"My parents' butler." She replied.

The inside of the large house was surprisingly normal...even, dare he say it, _nice_.

"Aah, Akako!" A girl appeared, glomping the witch, who sighed.

The girl was incredibly short with straight black hair and bright green eyes. Her hair was in a long ponytail and she wore a pink dress with white lace. She seemed to be about fourteen, but not exactly mature for her age (the high-pitched voice was almost frightening). "Everyone was so worried, Akako!" The girl said.

"Sorry." Akako muttered, brushing her black dress off as the girl released her from the hug and turned to Saguru.

"Kyaa! This must be your fiance! He's so cute!" The girl hugged Saguru, too, then turned to Akako. "Do you have a wedding date planned? Oooh, can I be your maid of honor? Ooh, ooh, can I wear pink?"

Akako rubbed her head, getting a headache.

Saguru watched, pleased. This had to be Akako's little sister...who was incredibly normal compared to Akako. Perhaps her parents wouldn't be fearsome devil-worshippers after all! Maybe they would be a kind couple who served tea to their daughter's fiance...

"Misa, all arrangements have already been made." Akako said darkly. "I cannot honor those requests."

The girl pouted. "Akako...you've already asked someone? Oh, is it that Aoko girl? She's really nice! She gave you cookies once, right?"

"Yes, she gave me cookies..." Akako was getting stressed out, Saguru noted. The air around the witch was growing colder. He moved directly next to her, hoping to warm her with his presence, and smiled sweetly at Misa.

Misa blinked. "Ask her for more, Akako! They were good." She sighed. "I wish you'd bring Mr. Kuroba over more often..." She said, eyes glittering. "He dropped off some books for you one day when you were sick--I told him that this was the wrong address for you since you moved into the creepy mansion--and he is sooo cute."

Ugh, Kuroba. Hakuba frowned.

The redhead was twitching now. "Where is Izumi?"

"Oh, he's in the kitchen!" Misa said, leading Akako and Saguru into a large, cheerful dining area. "Making a cake and drinks!"

"And your mother?" Akako asked, raising an eyebrow.

Misa pouted again. "Mom's upstairs talking to Lucy."

"Ah." Akako brightened. "Is Lucy well? We have not conversed in a few weeks, since I announced my engagement to Saguru."

"Of course Lucy's well!" Misa huffed.

Saguru wondered if Lucy and Izumi were more of Akako's siblings. He sincerely hoped that they were normal...

A tall red-haired boy entered the room, carrying a tray of drinks and a small cake, decorated extensively with roses and pink frosting.

He adjused his glasses and smiled. "Akako, you're home! We missed you." He greeted. "Ah, is this Saguru Hakuba?" He asked. He appeared to be about fifteen or sixteen, and Saguru shook his hand with a slight smile.

How many siblings did Akako have, anyway? She never mentioned her family because she claimed they were far worse than she was. But Akako did have an odd perspective...he felt optimistic now. His future in-laws weren't going to kill him after all, if they were like their other children. Maybe Akako was the black sheep.

Akako wasn't drinking her cranberry juice, Saguru noted. "Everything alright?" He asked, sipping his.

"Have cake!" Misa giggled, handing Akako and Saguru huge slices on plates.

"No thank you." Akako said, putting the cake down on the table in front of Izumi. "I have said before that I do not wish to eat cake with you or join you in your other mealtime traditions."

Misa and Izumi seemed hurt by this. They shifted awkwardly in their seats, exchanging glances.

"Ah, long time no see, darling." A decadent red-haired woman who appeared to be in her late twenties said, stepping down the stairs with a handsome black-haired man.

They both wore black from head to toe. The woman had dark green eyes, and the man's eyes were brown. He wasn't well-groomed, with stubble on his chin and mud on his shoes. She, however, slithered down the stairs in a way that reminded him of Akako.

"Greetings." Akako acknowledged the pair.

"Congratulations on the engagement." The man said, weaving his way around the table to shake Saguru's hand. "You will make a wonderful addition to the Koizumi family."

"I will be taking on his last name." Akako pointed out, gaining herself four glares.

Saguru sweat-dropped and turned to the man. "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Koizumi."

The black-haired man stared at him before laughing a very normal, innocent laugh. "Oh, I'm not Akako's father, you silly mortal." He chuckled, wandering towards the older woman. "Still, it was lovely to meet you, Saguru Hakuba. Take care of her." He smirked, vanishing in a smoke-filled, Kaitou Kid-esque exit.

"Lucy always comes and goes!" Misa pouted, taking a long sip of her drink. "He's so mean."

Her cake lit on fire and she poured the juice on it with a sigh. "Sorry, Lucy." She muttered.

Remembering his experiences with things that lit on fire, Saguru turned to Akako curiously.

"Lucifer spends time with my family often." She explained.

Saguru stared at her, trying to comprehend the fact that he had just shaken hands with _Lucifer_. His beliefs had been crushed, his sense of self was gone, his hand was a little burnt...

The woman made a grand sigh. "Akako, I don't know why you like this mortal so much! He is clearly frightened by the magic."

Izumi frowned. "If he makes her happy, that's all that matters. Plus, he drank the virgin's blood, didn't he?"

Misa nodded. "He also ate the cake Izumi iced with frosted bat wings. The one that he baked the newt eyes into." She pointed out.

Saguru paled. "I'm sorry?" He glanced down at what he had assumed was a chocolate-chip cake with strawberry frosting.

Akako closed his gaping jaw and explained it casually. "I long ago decided that I would find eternal youth without having to drink blood every evening like my parents do. It hardly turned out well for them as it is."

"Look at him pale! He looks like he'll keel over any second. I'm telling you, kiddo, he won't last a day." The woman said, looking at her nails.

Misa and Izumi shared a glance.

"Cease the incessant torturing of my fiance." Akako ordered, standing up and putting her hands on her hips. "I have chosen him and you will not change my mind because of some silly standards you have, Grandmother."

Saguru finally understood--or at least he thought so. "Wait, you're her grandmother..." He pointed to the woman. "Which makes Misa her mother...and you're her father?" He asked, glancing at Izumi.

"See! The mortal can't take it!" Akako's red-haired grandmother said, crossing her arms.

Akako's face began to turn red.

The detective fainted, unable to take anymore.

What had he gotten himself into?

The Koizumis watched him fall and Misa sighed. "Izumi, you should have checked the expiration date on the newt eyes."

He glanced at his wife and shook his head. "You always say that they taste better when spoiled."

Misa considered this. "True. Akako, do you think he'll be okay?"

Akako sighed, glancing down at him. "He has been through worse."

"What a wimp! You should've married that Kuroba boy. He was handsome." Her grandmother muttered.

"Or we could have arranged a marriage to a nice demon." Misa said with a sigh.

The butler entered the room and looked down at the unconscious Hakuba. "Miss Akako, will you require my services in bringing him back to your mansion?"

She shook her head. "That is not necessary. I know a way to take him back."

X

Men drooled as Akako walked past them, holding her purse on one shoulder as she cradled a blanket.

"Akako!" Aoko said as she passed the witch. "Hello!"

"Greetings, Aoko Kuroba, formerly Nakamori. The honeymoon went well?" Akako asked, stopping to talk to her friend.

"It was fun. Kaito only played four practical jokes on the other hotel guests." Aoko replied with a tiny smile. She glanced at the blanket in Akako's hands. "What's that?"

She unfolded the blanket to reveal a small white puppy that was clearly sleeping.

"Aw, how cute! Where did you get him?"

Akako gave her a calm look. "My parents frightened him."

Aoko blinked. "No, where did you buy him? Is he Hakuba's?"

The redhead sighed as if Aoko were a total fool for asking this. "Saguru fainted at my parents' house."

"That's Hakuba?" Aoko asked, raising an eyebrow as she began to understand.

Akako nodded slowly, making sure that Aoko understood. "Yes, Aoko Kuroba, this is Saguru. I really must get him home before he awakens." She continued walking. "Mortals are so odd..."

Aoko watched her go before continuing on her way.

Because the sad thing, after all, was that she had seen stranger things in this town. In fact, she was married to one...


End file.
